well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
