Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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