you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
