I'm eating all of the evidence.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
