her vagine was all disorganized.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
