It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
