I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
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