It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
