I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
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We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You ate ashes out of my bong
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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