So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
