I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
