The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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