I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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