Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
