watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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