i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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