he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
