I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
