i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
