I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
