even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
