she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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