He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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