all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
