Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
50% drunk capacity currently
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
