She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
