i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
