I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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