When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
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