Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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