you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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