If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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