When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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