just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
