Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
