just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
