just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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