There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize