Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
