He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
