Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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