I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
