Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
