How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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