I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
