so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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