Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
