I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
