rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
