Don't make out with my wife yet
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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