I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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