im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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