I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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