Someone shit on the floor
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
