I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
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Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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