Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
