Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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