I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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