Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
