just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
