This is not my ceiling
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
